Monday, November 1, 2010

Exclusive Interview With GOP Young Guns Founder

Several Republican Congressmen from the House of Representatives recently launched a national organization to promote Republican Party ideals amongst young people. This is ironic when you consider that ideals are anathema to the Republican Party, the party of crass venality, the party that enforces no ideals whatsoever, but instead pursues self-interest and short-term gain at any cost, social or environmental.

But that aside, CompletelyBaked had the opportunity to interview one of the founders of this new organization devoted to up and coming plutocrats. We refer to him as YG, since he prefers to remain anonymous due to a pending a criminal investigation by D.C. prosecutors on alleged charges of tax evasion, and sex crimes against the founders of GOP Young Guns.

CB: No offense, but you are not particularly young, nor do you appear to carry a gun. What’s up?

YG: No, no, no. You don’t get it. We’re a bunch of old, rich, white guys trying to attract young people, even poor young people, to the GOP.

CB: With guns?

YG: Sure, if that’s what the young people like. We have a second amendment, you know.

CB: All too well. You do carry a gun then?

YG: I prepare for the worst, and hope for the best, Soldier. That’s kind of a motto of mine.

CB: So you intend to drag young people into your organization at gunpoint?

YG: No. You don’t get it, do you? You must be one of those thickheaded, liberal, socialists. We make ourselves attractive to young people with the promise of companionship with youths, and guns. See, like a young posse. Out on the range. Yeah, Young Guns! Yee, ha!

CB: You didn’t just, you said, “young posse,” right?

YG: Yes.

CB: So you promote vigilantism: lynchings, and so forth?

YG: Yes. No! Not the way you think of it...we promote individualism and independence. The stuff this country was built on. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, make your own way in the world, defend yourself. No sissies.

CB: So no lynchings?

YG: I wouldn’t rule that out, but that’s not our focus. Our focus is freedom. You’ve seen the Magnificent Seven?

CB: It’s about sticking up for the little guy, and opposing oppression, right?

YG: I guess so. I couldn’t really tell you. My point is, there’s a posse in there.

CB: Not so young though.

YG: I think you’re hung up on age.

CB: But you’re the Young Guns.

YG: Yes. We are.

CB: Are you interested in boys and girls, or -- with your talk of posses, and all -- just young boys?

YG: I like young girls. That is, I think girls...women...young women should play a vital and commanding role in the modern Republican Party. Well, not so commanding, maybe. We don’t want another Hillary, do we? Ha, ha!

CB: I ask because some of your colleagues have revealed, perhaps reluctantly, a bias for young boys.

YG: Well, we all have our biases.

CB: Do our biases sometimes lead us to what others might call criminal, or deviant, behavior?

YG: The GOP Young Guns believe in individualism and independence, remember?

CB: And good lawyers?

YG: Nothing wrong with that.

CB: Not if you can afford them. And many of your congressional colleagues have proven they can. Several have spent lavishly to defend against charges of soliciting sex with minors, and sexual harassment of interns. But don’t you think this sets a bad example for the party?

YG: Not at all. Our private lives are just that. Private. When a liberal media elite attacks upstanding citizens, those good folks need to defend themselves by any means necessary. That includes lawyers.

CB: And posse’s with guns?

YG: Sometimes.

CB: And laws prohibiting abortion and same sex marriage?

YG: You betcha!

CB: So you would agree then that your colleagues, who happen to be adulterers and homosexuals who solicit sex in airport bathrooms, are upstanding citizens?

YG: We all have our own definitions for these things.

CB: So it’s all about independence and individualism for the GOP Young Guns?

YG: That’s right.

CB: With independence and individualism in mind, if you ran a business, you would reject special favors from Congress?

YG: Of course. The GOP -- and that includes the Young Guns -- believes in the free-market.

CB: So, lobbying for legislation to undermine environmental protection laws, consumer protection laws, stock and bond trading regulatory laws; you wouldn’t consider such legislation as favoring corporate profit over the general well being of the citizenry?

YG: Not at all. When corporations make money, the citizenry makes money.

CB: Even when most of that money is funneled toward an elite group at the well-healed end of the economic spectrum. Executive who co-serve on the boards of each other’s companies, and pay politicians, like you, to pass such legislation?

YG: It’s a free country, Bub. Take it or leave it.

CB: Thanks a lot.

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