Leaked? Republican Manifesto

An e-mail I received on January 12:

and the contents of that e-mail:


As the 112th session of the United States Congress begins, committed members of the Republican Party would do well to take stock of the core principles and key aspirations that sustain the proud GOP.

First, diminishing the scope of government power and jurisdiction  -- both state and federal -- remains our primary objective. The best means to achieve this worthy objective continues to be via tax cuts. Tax cuts, in turn, lead to budget shortfalls, and budget shortfalls logically necessitate reduction and elimination of government programs. We refer to this tactic as "starving the beast." This term offers an apt analogy, and provides Republican faithful with a mental image to keep in mind when they encounter arguments and pleas from the opposite end of the political spectrum. Comforts and indulgences such as unemployment insurance, universal medical care, public education, environmental protection, parks, and cultural grants are often demanded of government by malicious or misinformed citizens.

While such comforts and indulgences are sometimes desirable -- with the notable exception of cultural grants, which are nothing if not profligate waste -- we believe without reservation that the private sector can best provide these services. The best unemployment insurance is to get a job. The best medical care is obtained through gainful employment at the supervisory level or above. The best education is obtained through private schooling, which can offer essential non-secular curriculum along with secular studies. Parks are no different than country clubs -- let users pay membership fees for access. Landowners with a stake in the property provide the best environmental protection. Government need not dictate what they can and can not do, landowners know what is best for their land. Culture -- fine art -- is best engendered through discerning private patrons who provide essential oversight and guidance to artists to insure the creation of art that flatters rather than offends.

Another looming issue in the ongoing culture war is gay-marriage and civil unions. The Republican Party maintains a firm position on these threats to our families: no way, Jose! Marriage is a bond between men and women, and not men and men who act like women, or women and women who act like men. Just the thought of it should make a real Republican's skin crawl.

Another threat to our families is the accessibility of abortion. For years, Republicans have diligently opposed this state-sanctioned murder, and will continue. Little babies have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as afforded them by our great Constitution. We aim to insure those babies are born. After that, they are on their own, like any brave American. Toward that goal of legislating abortions out of existence, the Republican Party will fight to overturn Roe vs. Wade, and create a federal law to ban wayward women from committing this awful deed. Reprobate physicians who perform abortions will inevitably face Second Amendment persuasion for their heinous crimes.

Some in our society object to the death penalty as state-sanctioned murder. It is not. It is bible-sanctioned retribution. The Republican Party fully and enthusiastically endorses death for certain crimes, and always will. There is nothing like an old-fashioned hanging to give a murderer, rapist, child-molester, or seditious journalist pause.

Efforts are afoot to dispose of long-established modes of transportation enjoyed by so many -- comfortable and convenient private vehicles, and swift commercial and private aircraft -- and replace them with socialist-mandated, crowded, dirty, unsafe, public transportation: busses, light-rail, commuter trains, and subways. Or worse yet, bicycles. These socialist, Euro-trash ambitions are an affront to our cherished way of life in clean, safe, suburban subdivisions efficiently interconnected by freeways.

Remember, public transportation brings with it the threat of anonymous interlopers traveling to our homes from their urban enclaves, bringing violence and crime to our midst. Our suburbs have been carefully planned to protect upstanding families from such threats, and we will resist with utmost zeal and fervor those who would undermine our safety.

To help guarantee that safety, Republicans embrace the Second Amendment as insurance against ill-intentioned interlopers converging on our hard-earned, much-deserved, bastions of comfort. If necessary, we'll gate our communities, and station well-armed, Second-Amendment-informed guards at the gates.

But the Second Amendment of our proud and precious Constitution is under threat from cowards who would rather flee than fight. These spineless jellyfish would plea for mercy in the face of drug-crazed murderers and rapists bred in the darkest recesses of our lawless urban landscapes. Drug-crazed murderers and rapists who, given half a chance, will pillage our homes, rape our wives, and kidnap our children just for the thrill of it. No! We will not plea for mercy. We will defend our right to bear arms, and with those arms, defend ourselves and our families.

The same slippery socialists who would do away with cherished American birthrights like the private automobile and semi-automatic handgun and rifle, would also do away with another precious freedom -- our right to enjoy roomy, comfortable homes and workplaces. Purveyors of doom would have us believe the unproven assertion that comfortably heating and lighting our spacious homes and workplaces imperils our very existence through environmental degradation.

Carbon dioxide, they say, will kill us. Nonsense. Carbon dioxide, as we all learn in high school, is plant food. More carbon dioxide will lead to farms, orchards, and forests that are increasingly bountiful and prosperous. Who can object to that? Do not let murderers of hope insist we live and work in cold, cramped, dark chambers of gloom.

Why, when we are blessed with cheap energy provided by coal abundantly harvested from desolate, uninhabited western canyons, or troublesome Appalachian mountaintops improved when flattened by underlying coal removal? Why reject natural gas, safely frack-ed from otherwise barren eastern shale? Why turn our backs on proven, safe, clean, inexpensive nuclear power? Only fools would reject these God-given sources of cheap, profitable energy.

Still, godless negativists persistently disseminate propaganda to persuade the hapless reader, listener, or viewer -- including our dear, impressionable children -- that freely burning coal, gas, and oil that God granted us to heat our homes and propel roomy, safe, private vehicles as we have always done will lead to famine, flood, and plague.

And these same naysayers attack our hardworking farmers. Factory farms will poison us, they say. More nonsense! Why when we are so well fed by miraculously productive factory farms that generously yield all the healthy sustenance we could hope for? Our modern petroleum-based, genetically-engineered crops, and antibiotic-protected, confined feedlots are the most prolific in the world. These miracles of fecundity yield the cheapest beef, pork, and poultry anywhere. Our modern corporate agricultural system amply provides all the mainstays of our red-blooded, healthy American diet, with consistent dividends for shareholders, too. The position of the Republican Party regarding our American food supply is simple: if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Yet, the cultivators of despair would have us surround ourselves and our children with deadly, churning windmills beside our homes; dangerous electrified solar panels on our roofs; heaping piles of steaming, odorous compost on our patios; and insect-infested organic fruit orchards and vegetable gardens to replace our groomed, green lawns. Such existential threats by anarchists and socialists are not new, and to date none of their gloom and doom scenarios have come to pass -- nor will they. Why change, when our old-fashioned sources of food and energy will more cheaply -- and profitably -- preserve our safety and comfort for generations to come? Loyal Republicans must stand up to such fictions and fabrications of impending decline with heartfelt prayer, replete with inspirational passages from the Bible.

To build our economy, we must resist the call of lazy, intransigent workers to unionize. Unions are another word for communism, and like communism, must be mercilessly stamped out. Unions drive up overhead for businesses, cut into profits, and ultimately imperil shareholder dividends. Collective bargaining blighted the American landscape for too long, and as such will be eliminated (by Second Amendment persuasion, if necessary). Let each wage earner negotiate his own salary and benefits, based on his needs and talents. This is a bedrock, self-evident tenet of free enterprise: that labor is a resource to be exploited like any other resource. Efforts to regulate that resource offend capitalist principles. Rugged individualists built this great nation, not mobs of lazy, socialist whiners. If unions are summarily suffocated -- as they should be -- business will flourish, and shareholders will prosper. This truth must remain foremost in our minds as we suffer the pleas of malcontents looking for easy money and unearned incomes. We must take courage, and admonish these riotous deniers of freedom to stand up for themselves and strive as individuals to overcome adversity, as so many great Americans have done before them. Only firm resolve and hard work, bolstered by the rights and freedoms granted us by our great Constitution and the faith afforded us by our Christian tradition, will propel a man toward prosperity.

Finally, we must protect the right of business to trade freely with foreign nations, without constraints imposed by a meddlesome government bureaucracy infested with anti-business socialists. If other nations offer lower cost labor and materials, it is the responsibility of the business leader to pursue those opportunities and create better value for his shareholders. Nothing must stand in the way of the brave business leader in his pursuit of profit -- neither trade, labor, financial, nor environmental regulators. Un-regulated trade is a pillar of capitalism. If we adhere to that noble ideal, labor and ownership alike will benefit from the efficiency of commerce yielded by the leveling and democratizing of working conditions the world over.

Further, such democratizing of working conditions will eliminate the problem of illegal immigrants pouring across our borders in search of better incomes. Wages will self-balance across national boundaries in the same way water seeks its own level. With genuine free trade, there will be no better wages to invade the U.S. for, and thus no immigration issues to solve.

These are the goals and principles Republicans uphold as our great nation aspires to confer prosperity and security on its best and brightest. We must nurture those proud individuals compelled by God and personal fortitude to earn and achieve. And in so nurturing, shine a light on the pure virtue amply and ably demonstrated by the great business achievers of our age whose personal earnings have never before been matched in the history of this proud nation. The Republican Party always has and always will honor such noble entrepreneurs and business executives as they confer benefits that can hardly be counted on all the citizens of these United States -- one great nation, under God.

God bless America.

Republican National Congressional Committee: October 25, 2010